I've been unemployed for... a year and a half. Lost my job due to my disability issues, but found out quickly, that when you've been fired, a prospective employer hears only that, and pretty much tunes the rest out.
So... here I am, a "Stay at home mom". I LOVE being home for my big kids when they get home from school. I sincerely believe that staying home with them WILL help to keep them out of trouble. Not that I worry excessively, they are both really GOOD boys. I could not be any prouder of the two of them. Well.. almost. My eldest is in this very lazy point of life, where god forbid I lose my internet and can't double check if he's done his school work everyday. Yes, he's grounded at the moment, and has a great many more moments to go. My middle son, well.. he's doing AMAZING in school, and yet, he's developing that "teen" attitude. He's lazy as can be at home. They just can't both behave at the same time... one HAS to be giving me grief or they aren't doing their job!
The baby man continues to grow, and FAST! He's 2 1/2 and it seems like it was just yesterday that he was learning to walk. He's super smart, so we KNOW he's gonna be a handful! :)
Sadly, we lost a very important member of my family recently. One of my grandmothers. It's a very difficult thing, even when you see it coming.
I find myself writing... alot. Even when there isn't that much going on in my world. Luckily, since I've always been close to my grandparents, my grandfather is still here. He's changed.. alot. He has become so much more human, that I really am trying to have a good relationship with him. He's got his issues, but I think deep down, he does love me and the kids after all.
I also find myself doing an INSANE number of crafts.. sometime, there is a great reason.. I make just enough money selling jewelry sometimes to keep MAKING it! lol I also draw, scrapbook, and now... ta da!!! I am learning to quilt! I really am finding it to be better than I ever expected. I'm looking forward to making things, and feeling good about it. It's great to have any thing to keep my fingers busy while I'm sitting.
I HAVE to stay busy. I'm so used to working, just sitting ain't cuttin it!
Hopefully... since my baby is just now finished with his book.. I'll be busy for a little while yet!:)
Love ya!!!
I don't know why I seemingly have the urge to write today. It's like my fingers have to do something or I'll go insane. Oh wait. Insanity is second nature. Maybe I'm trying to go more insane? How's that for grammar?
Anyhow, I just have to write. Maybe it's that I don't talk to many people anymore. It's pretty much well... me and my kids, and evenings with Murphy. That's about it.
My best friend, Tor, is getting super serious with her man, which I think is wonderful as her ex is a TOTAL shit have late night battles in lawn darts and horse shoes. It's fun. It's family. Halo 3... not so much. But, they ARE young men... at respectively 1 and 15, and they just LOVE when they smoke Murphy or I in something. They are typical teens.. right now, George, who cannot for the life of him, is having that whole, teenage angst thing, and we are having to threaten to remove his bedroom doors if he can't keep them open during normal hours. It's insane around here sometimes, but, I can't imagine it any differently.
I miss my old life sometimes though. I miss having people to talk to, besides this damned computer. I miss having people to bounce ideas and thoughts off of. Now it's just.. me and this computer. Things change.. but not always for the better.
Actually.. it's pretty bleak in here. It really hit me today, I'm pretty isolated in general.
Now that I have pretty much stopped going online (I haven't been on in like the past oh.. 3 weeks, at least.) I don't have any friends. The ones I DID talk to, I haven't heard from one in many many months now, and the other, well, for whatever reason, we just aren't. :(
I have one friend who calls me every week or two. One. It's amazing how little my life has become. It's basically all about the kids, cooking, cleaning, and caring for Murphy. I haven't seen an adult female that isn't related to me in well.... months. And sometimes, it's cool.. Murphy went "Black Friday" shopping with me, and we had a great time, and he is truly an enjoyable companion.. but I do miss having female friends.
I feel like I've lost all of them here in the past few months. I guess that would account for part o my depression. I don't know.
But I DID start making it a point to start a gratitude journal. Where I try to remember that everything IS better than it could be, and some things, are really good. I guess there is something to say for that. .. maybe?
You know, I've dealt with alot of tough situations, and tough people in my life. You don't live the life I have, two marriages, one to a cheater, one to an emotional child, a stint as a homeless pregnant woman, a single mom for most of a decade, health issues, being fired for those issues and the various other things I've had to handle in between all of that, without getting to be.. well... tough.
And not to take anything away from my fiance, who's a fantastic man, who could NOT work harder to care for me and my children, but frankly, men have been just the freaking bane of my existence.
As a little girl, I had two men I looked up to.. my grandpa and great grandpa. I didn't know at that point, that my "grandpa" wasn't my grandpa, and eventually, that would mean something. I found out when I was a teen, that I wasn't really 'his', but seriously, I never understood why that would make a difference? Wasn't I still the one that he took to the lame sci-fi movies he loved, because no one else would go with him? Wasn't I the one that was called on for backrubs, because he'd worked hard out in the yard, and at his job, all day? I WAS his granddaughter, blood be damned.
Amazing how denial works, ain't it? When I was 16, his REAL granddaughter was born. Ashley. The daughter of his daughter with my grandmother, and suddenly... I understood that old "redheaded stepchild" concept. I went from his lil' girl.... to his wife's granddaughter. Sixteen years later, it still gets to me.. obviously.
Ash is now 18... and has all the accouterments of a wealthy man's daughter. Because her mom is a drunk, she's been cossetted... at the expense of the rest of us.
I wish I knew how to just cut this man out of my life. Everyone says "Ignore it." Seriously? Do people really think it's THAT simple? Would they say it if he was my father? Because really, that's the role he held. I had no one else. As much as I loved my great papa, I dealt with Grandpa on a daily basis. He was the man I modeled things on. How stupid was That...
He got to me again today. All over my car. The car that he and my grandmother bought for me, while I was in college, because my car blew it's engine (at 350k miles), and there was no way I could afford a new one. They bought it for me, which I have ALWAYS been grateful for, and believe me, they never let me forget it. (my cousin, however, recieved a $25k honda, for her 16th bday). I've repaid everything I've ever borrowed from them, I didn't ask for the car, it was offered. I've never asked unless it was a matter of a roof over my kids heads', I never would have asked for only myself, I'd sooner be homeless. But I've paid back ALL of it. And still, I got ripped for my car not passing smog. Cuz really.. it's my fault right?
The instructions I was given, was that my uncle, the drug dealer, was getting out of prison, yet again, and my mom was buying a new car, so I needed to take her old car, and give him, my old car. Whatever. I don't get much say in this whole familial direction, I'm just told what to do. Which is what I did. I delivered the car, sans pink slip, and got a phone call today.. from "grandpa" (I have a REAALLY hard time calling him that, so from here on out, he'll be 'B'.) So, B calls me.. saying "Where's the registration? The pink slip? You know, the things we NEED?" That's the message I was left. So.. I called him back, trying to juggle the phone, the toddler screeching in my ear, due to the throbbing headache-level sounds of the lawnmower out front, and sitting here, in mind blowing pain running down my back and hips. I was nice, polite, said here's the story... blah blah blah. And again.. it's all my fault. Wow, the stupid virus struck again, I forgot for a minute that everything wrong with the world is my fault according to at least one of the men in my world at some point. Duh, how could I BE so dumb? Hmmm, maybe it's that stupidity that makes me wonder HOW it's all my fault, when the answer is obvious to all of THEM, just not me.
I'm just clueless. I'm not sure WHEN I became such a screwup. I always thought that being a good mom, a good person, was more important than anything, but apparently, it really isn't. It's more important to be financially "stable" and the perfect employee, the perfect workhorse. And since I can't be that (it's pretty much impossible now that I'm unable to work) I guess I just have to live with being so much less than I was supposed to be. Now.... if I could just learn not to care.. :( and just be the "tough" one everyone who doesn't know me, thinks I am.
And people wonder why I don't even leave my bed when I don't HAVE to.
I HATE feeling like this. It's this feeling of not wanting to even get out of bed. I'm writing this in my sleepwear. With my cat at my feet. Thank the Gods for laptops.
I just feel so... blah. I wanted to get up, work on the house, work on my "special project" that should have been done last week:( I just can't seem to do it.
I feel like a 34 year old stuck in a 90 year old body, and it SUCKS.
I'm sure that part of it, is that I finished my book. My new beloved book, Brisngr, which is the newest one from the "Inheritance" cycle.. the same books that led to the "Eragon" movie. (The movie.. yeah, it sucked. Here's to hoping they FIX it by doing a different one that actually IS like the book). These books are addictive, so I am kinda feelin like I need a fix.. lol. Only there IS no fix for this. It's the downside of being an avid, AVID reader, is that you LOVE characters, and when the book is over, you feel like you've lost them. Especially when you KNOW the next (and last) one of the series isn't due out for another couple years:( :( :( *WAAAAAAHHHHHHH*
Yeah, it's gettin to me. I'm ALMOST envious of Murphy, who is reading "Eragon" at this point, (YES! I got him to read his FIRST book for Pleasure, EVER! and he LOVES IT!). He's in the middle of that one, and still has TWO books to go before he will feel like me:( Though, by the time he finishes the 3rd one, I'll start him on another series. Maybe THAT is the answer. I need to find another book to read. :( I DID buy one of my Kelley Armstrong, "Women of the Otherworld" books yesterday, but it's just not... working. Though my eldest son, George, will be THRILLED. He's truly loving that his mom reads fantasy fiction, because he steals my books. lol Now I know what MY mom felt like:) hehehehhe And HOW do you get angry at your child for wanting sooooo badly to.... read? heheh You don't. It's all good. :)
Ugh. Maybe I need to go change my hair color again.. that might energize me a bit.. hmmm.. maybe cobalt blue and pink. :)
My mom taught me how to read when I was about 3. I mean actually reading. She has pics of me at about four falling asleep with a book over my face, and by the time I was 12, I read "Gone with the Wind" in 17 hrs, roughly. I can't remember a time when I didn't like to read. I think maybe, she read to me in the womb which would greatly explain this fascination I have with it.
When I moved overseas, about 150 lbs of my household stuff was just BOOKS. That's it. I only had about 30 lbs of kitchen goods if that tells you anything. lol.
I've always had an obscene number of books in my possession, no matter where I lived, and even when I was briefly homeless back in 1996. I carted them around no matter what.
Today, I picked up a new friend. That is truly what I consider them to be. Because when I am done, I feel like a wonderful friend has gone away, and I'm kind of sad, until I meet another new friend, or I go find an old one again. I do reread books.. hundreds of times for the really good ones, like "Mists of Avalon" by Marion Zimmer Bradley, Or the "Wild Swan" trilogy by Celeste DeBlasis. Those books are my lifeline when I don't have a new one.
This new one though, I've been waiting for, since.. probably two years ago now. It's the 3rd installment of the "Inheritance" series that Christopher Paolini started writing when he was 15. yes.. 15!!!! The first one was made into a movie by the same name, "Eragon". It's a great movie, but the book blows it away. Then came Eldest, and I was saved from an exhausting and tenacious wait by the fact that I discovered Eragon shortly before Eldest was released. That was two years ago. I've been waiting for SOOOOO long that I was like BOUNCING off the walls excited when I saw it today, calling me, in it's khaki brown cover, from a shelf in Walmart. Imagine my boyfriend's surprise when I THREW down the books I was considering, to SNATCH up the last two copies.. in hardback. I NEVER buy hardback copies. Except Harry Potter, and this set. Those, are worth it. I called my mom, who was also waiting with baited breath, and she was bouncing! MY MOM! I was laughing so hard, and the exhilaration was running through me.
And suddenly, I had the job of explaining something I didn't know how to explain. How DO you tell someone what it is like to lose yourself in a story.. not be able to hear anything or anyone, to travel to lands that only exist in the imagination??? It's like explaining drug addiction.. or falling in love. Until you experience it, it's not something that mere words can convey.
I tried though, I told him about how.. when I read a book, especially a REALLY good one, it's like watching a mental movie. I no longer see the individual words.. I just see this movie, going frame by frame, and I don't see it on a screen. I'm part of it. I'm standing there as dragons fight for their existence, and mere mortals watch a teenage boy become a man of legendary proportions. I feel the satin of a blue sapphire egg, harder than rock, with a heat coming from within. I smell the stench of dark henchmen, blood coating their swords, and I smell the dankness of a forest...
Well.. I guess you can't explain it.. you can only enjoy it... :)
trust (tr
st)n.
You know.. I seem to be stuck on a rather "literal" vein these days, for that, I apologize.
But, I am, and since I need to talk, I guess this would be as good a topic as any.
Trust is a bitch, she really is. It takes HUGE amounts of work to establish it, and mere suspicions to destroy it. No proof, just suspicion. And I've been the guilty party in that one before.. a few times it seems. My last semi serious relationship, I broke things off with a man I was falling in love with because he wasn't dependable enough to trust completely. In retrospect, I was quick to jump out because I don't trust easily in ANY situation. Ironically.. if they make it past that first initial breakup, I have an easier time trusting them. Them being men of course. It's almost like it's a test.. if you love me enough to want to work it out, then obviously, I MIGHT be able to trust you eventually. No matter what though, it's a hard won thing for me. I don't really trust many people. I can count the few on one hand. So the fact that I DO trust my fiance says alot. The fact that he's still here does too. It's been a rough go so far, and it seems like it's always getting rougher, and we still have that whole "first year" of marriage to get through too, if we make it that far.
He's not very trusting either. It seems to be a product of being in a relationship where you have a significant other cheat on you. Lordy knows, I've been there. Both my husbands, as well as my baby's father. My last two relationships have been the only ones where I was NOT cheated on. Which isn't to say I'm a pure as the driven snow kinda girl. Totally off THAT mark... but Ive grown. With age has come some really hard won wisdom, and A LOT of bumps bruises and heartaches along the way.
I don't mean to make mysef sound "high maintenance" because i don't think I truly am. I have my moments, but I think probably, everyone does. We'd ALL had life cave in on us at some point. Hoever, the question I think ends up being how you handle it, and what you do about it.
Do you use it as a filter to see the rest of your life through? Using it to view situations in the worst possible light? Determined that the whole of the group is the same as it's members...? OR, do you let it go and become a door mat of ginormous import? Just letting it all go, till the emotional bruises are gone, and eveything is all about putting on a "good face". I hope like hell it isn't the second one, because I TRULY suck at political propriety. I'd rather have ALL the info, good and bad, so I can hae an honest opinion based on education and not ignorance.
But how do you choose that for another person? Do you realize that when you are coming from a place of distrust, you are poisoning the well you drink from? Do you realize the anger that is eating away at your soul? As well as your "new" relationship. When you have NO trust, you have NO future. It's a logic of the concept of spoiling your own dream. You can't run around NOT trusting, and snooping and being a general nuisance without running off your person you are SOOOO concerned with losing, that you shoved them away. I should know. I've done it. So, it's really a question of character, and your OWN security and trust in YOURSELF. Knowing that you CAN and DO make the right choices even at the hardest times, it's invaluable. I can't say I do it nearly often enough, but, I definitely try.
