Becky N Jenna: Blog, Blog, Blog, BLOG .

Stir Crazy

2009-03-04T23:45:00.000-08:00

I've been unemployed for... a year and a half. Lost my job due to my disability issues, but found out quickly, that when you've been fired, a prospective employer hears only that, and pretty much tunes the rest out.
So... here I am, a "Stay at home mom". I LOVE being home for my big kids when they get home from school. I sincerely believe that staying home with them WILL help to keep them out of trouble. Not that I worry excessively, they are both really GOOD boys. I could not be any prouder of the two of them. Well.. almost. My eldest is in this very lazy point of life, where god forbid I lose my internet and can't double check if he's done his school work everyday. Yes, he's grounded at the moment, and has a great many more moments to go. My middle son, well.. he's doing AMAZING in school, and yet, he's developing that "teen" attitude. He's lazy as can be at home. They just can't both behave at the same time... one HAS to be giving me grief or they aren't doing their job!
The baby man continues to grow, and FAST! He's 2 1/2 and it seems like it was just yesterday that he was learning to walk. He's super smart, so we KNOW he's gonna be a handful! :)
Sadly, we lost a very important member of my family recently. One of my grandmothers. It's a very difficult thing, even when you see it coming.
I find myself writing... alot. Even when there isn't that much going on in my world. Luckily, since I've always been close to my grandparents, my grandfather is still here. He's changed.. alot. He has become so much more human, that I really am trying to have a good relationship with him. He's got his issues, but I think deep down, he does love me and the kids after all.
I also find myself doing an INSANE number of crafts.. sometime, there is a great reason.. I make just enough money selling jewelry sometimes to keep MAKING it! lol I also draw, scrapbook, and now... ta da!!! I am learning to quilt! I really am finding it to be better than I ever expected. I'm looking forward to making things, and feeling good about it. It's great to have any thing to keep my fingers busy while I'm sitting.
I HAVE to stay busy. I'm so used to working, just sitting ain't cuttin it!
Hopefully... since my baby is just now finished with his book.. I'll be busy for a little while yet!:)
Love ya!!!

2008-12-12T14:18:00.000-08:00

I don't know why I seemingly have the urge to write today. It's like my fingers have to do something or I'll go insane. Oh wait. Insanity is second nature. Maybe I'm trying to go more insane? How's that for grammar?
Anyhow, I just have to write. Maybe it's that I don't talk to many people anymore. It's pretty much well... me and my kids, and evenings with Murphy. That's about it.
My best friend, Tor, is getting super serious with her man, which I think is wonderful as her ex is a TOTAL shit have late night battles in lawn darts and horse shoes. It's fun. It's family. Halo 3... not so much. But, they ARE young men... at respectively 1 and 15, and they just LOVE when they smoke Murphy or I in something. They are typical teens.. right now, George, who cannot for the life of him, is having that whole, teenage angst thing, and we are having to threaten to remove his bedroom doors if he can't keep them open during normal hours. It's insane around here sometimes, but, I can't imagine it any differently.
I miss my old life sometimes though. I miss having people to talk to, besides this damned computer. I miss having people to bounce ideas and thoughts off of. Now it's just.. me and this computer. Things change.. but not always for the better.

It's Bleak out there.

2008-12-12T13:28:00.000-08:00

Actually.. it's pretty bleak in here. It really hit me today, I'm pretty isolated in general.
Now that I have pretty much stopped going online (I haven't been on in like the past oh.. 3 weeks, at least.) I don't have any friends. The ones I DID talk to, I haven't heard from one in many many months now, and the other, well, for whatever reason, we just aren't. :(
I have one friend who calls me every week or two. One. It's amazing how little my life has become. It's basically all about the kids, cooking, cleaning, and caring for Murphy. I haven't seen an adult female that isn't related to me in well.... months. And sometimes, it's cool.. Murphy went "Black Friday" shopping with me, and we had a great time, and he is truly an enjoyable companion.. but I do miss having female friends.
I feel like I've lost all of them here in the past few months. I guess that would account for part o my depression. I don't know.
But I DID start making it a point to start a gratitude journal. Where I try to remember that everything IS better than it could be, and some things, are really good. I guess there is something to say for that. .. maybe?

Being a Terminal Disappointment

2008-10-07T12:25:00.000-07:00

You know, I've dealt with alot of tough situations, and tough people in my life. You don't live the life I have, two marriages, one to a cheater, one to an emotional child, a stint as a homeless pregnant woman, a single mom for most of a decade, health issues, being fired for those issues and the various other things I've had to handle in between all of that, without getting to be.. well... tough.
And not to take anything away from my fiance, who's a fantastic man, who could NOT work harder to care for me and my children, but frankly, men have been just the freaking bane of my existence.
As a little girl, I had two men I looked up to.. my grandpa and great grandpa. I didn't know at that point, that my "grandpa" wasn't my grandpa, and eventually, that would mean something. I found out when I was a teen, that I wasn't really 'his', but seriously, I never understood why that would make a difference? Wasn't I still the one that he took to the lame sci-fi movies he loved, because no one else would go with him? Wasn't I the one that was called on for backrubs, because he'd worked hard out in the yard, and at his job, all day? I WAS his granddaughter, blood be damned.
Amazing how denial works, ain't it? When I was 16, his REAL granddaughter was born. Ashley. The daughter of his daughter with my grandmother, and suddenly... I understood that old "redheaded stepchild" concept. I went from his lil' girl.... to his wife's granddaughter. Sixteen years later, it still gets to me.. obviously.
Ash is now 18... and has all the accouterments of a wealthy man's daughter. Because her mom is a drunk, she's been cossetted... at the expense of the rest of us.
I wish I knew how to just cut this man out of my life. Everyone says "Ignore it." Seriously? Do people really think it's THAT simple? Would they say it if he was my father? Because really, that's the role he held. I had no one else. As much as I loved my great papa, I dealt with Grandpa on a daily basis. He was the man I modeled things on. How stupid was That...
He got to me again today. All over my car. The car that he and my grandmother bought for me, while I was in college, because my car blew it's engine (at 350k miles), and there was no way I could afford a new one. They bought it for me, which I have ALWAYS been grateful for, and believe me, they never let me forget it. (my cousin, however, recieved a $25k honda, for her 16th bday). I've repaid everything I've ever borrowed from them, I didn't ask for the car, it was offered. I've never asked unless it was a matter of a roof over my kids heads', I never would have asked for only myself, I'd sooner be homeless. But I've paid back ALL of it. And still, I got ripped for my car not passing smog. Cuz really.. it's my fault right?
The instructions I was given, was that my uncle, the drug dealer, was getting out of prison, yet again, and my mom was buying a new car, so I needed to take her old car, and give him, my old car. Whatever. I don't get much say in this whole familial direction, I'm just told what to do. Which is what I did. I delivered the car, sans pink slip, and got a phone call today.. from "grandpa" (I have a REAALLY hard time calling him that, so from here on out, he'll be 'B'.) So, B calls me.. saying "Where's the registration? The pink slip? You know, the things we NEED?" That's the message I was left. So.. I called him back, trying to juggle the phone, the toddler screeching in my ear, due to the throbbing headache-level sounds of the lawnmower out front, and sitting here, in mind blowing pain running down my back and hips. I was nice, polite, said here's the story... blah blah blah. And again.. it's all my fault. Wow, the stupid virus struck again, I forgot for a minute that everything wrong with the world is my fault according to at least one of the men in my world at some point. Duh, how could I BE so dumb? Hmmm, maybe it's that stupidity that makes me wonder HOW it's all my fault, when the answer is obvious to all of THEM, just not me.
I'm just clueless. I'm not sure WHEN I became such a screwup. I always thought that being a good mom, a good person, was more important than anything, but apparently, it really isn't. It's more important to be financially "stable" and the perfect employee, the perfect workhorse. And since I can't be that (it's pretty much impossible now that I'm unable to work) I guess I just have to live with being so much less than I was supposed to be. Now.... if I could just learn not to care.. :( and just be the "tough" one everyone who doesn't know me, thinks I am.
And people wonder why I don't even leave my bed when I don't HAVE to.

Ugh. Ugh..

2008-09-30T09:44:00.001-07:00

I HATE feeling like this. It's this feeling of not wanting to even get out of bed. I'm writing this in my sleepwear. With my cat at my feet. Thank the Gods for laptops.
I just feel so... blah. I wanted to get up, work on the house, work on my "special project" that should have been done last week:( I just can't seem to do it.
I feel like a 34 year old stuck in a 90 year old body, and it SUCKS.
I'm sure that part of it, is that I finished my book. My new beloved book, Brisngr, which is the newest one from the "Inheritance" cycle.. the same books that led to the "Eragon" movie. (The movie.. yeah, it sucked. Here's to hoping they FIX it by doing a different one that actually IS like the book). These books are addictive, so I am kinda feelin like I need a fix.. lol. Only there IS no fix for this. It's the downside of being an avid, AVID reader, is that you LOVE characters, and when the book is over, you feel like you've lost them. Especially when you KNOW the next (and last) one of the series isn't due out for another couple years:( :( :( *WAAAAAAHHHHHHH*
Yeah, it's gettin to me. I'm ALMOST envious of Murphy, who is reading "Eragon" at this point, (YES! I got him to read his FIRST book for Pleasure, EVER! and he LOVES IT!). He's in the middle of that one, and still has TWO books to go before he will feel like me:( Though, by the time he finishes the 3rd one, I'll start him on another series. Maybe THAT is the answer. I need to find another book to read. :( I DID buy one of my Kelley Armstrong, "Women of the Otherworld" books yesterday, but it's just not... working. Though my eldest son, George, will be THRILLED. He's truly loving that his mom reads fantasy fiction, because he steals my books. lol Now I know what MY mom felt like:) hehehehhe And HOW do you get angry at your child for wanting sooooo badly to.... read? heheh You don't. It's all good. :)
Ugh. Maybe I need to go change my hair color again.. that might energize me a bit.. hmmm.. maybe cobalt blue and pink. :)

How can you explain that?

2008-09-21T17:09:00.000-07:00

My mom taught me how to read when I was about 3. I mean actually reading. She has pics of me at about four falling asleep with a book over my face, and by the time I was 12, I read "Gone with the Wind" in 17 hrs, roughly. I can't remember a time when I didn't like to read. I think maybe, she read to me in the womb which would greatly explain this fascination I have with it.
When I moved overseas, about 150 lbs of my household stuff was just BOOKS. That's it. I only had about 30 lbs of kitchen goods if that tells you anything. lol.
I've always had an obscene number of books in my possession, no matter where I lived, and even when I was briefly homeless back in 1996. I carted them around no matter what.
Today, I picked up a new friend. That is truly what I consider them to be. Because when I am done, I feel like a wonderful friend has gone away, and I'm kind of sad, until I meet another new friend, or I go find an old one again. I do reread books.. hundreds of times for the really good ones, like "Mists of Avalon" by Marion Zimmer Bradley, Or the "Wild Swan" trilogy by Celeste DeBlasis. Those books are my lifeline when I don't have a new one.
This new one though, I've been waiting for, since.. probably two years ago now. It's the 3rd installment of the "Inheritance" series that Christopher Paolini started writing when he was 15. yes.. 15!!!! The first one was made into a movie by the same name, "Eragon". It's a great movie, but the book blows it away. Then came Eldest, and I was saved from an exhausting and tenacious wait by the fact that I discovered Eragon shortly before Eldest was released. That was two years ago. I've been waiting for SOOOOO long that I was like BOUNCING off the walls excited when I saw it today, calling me, in it's khaki brown cover, from a shelf in Walmart. Imagine my boyfriend's surprise when I THREW down the books I was considering, to SNATCH up the last two copies.. in hardback. I NEVER buy hardback copies. Except Harry Potter, and this set. Those, are worth it. I called my mom, who was also waiting with baited breath, and she was bouncing! MY MOM! I was laughing so hard, and the exhilaration was running through me.
And suddenly, I had the job of explaining something I didn't know how to explain. How DO you tell someone what it is like to lose yourself in a story.. not be able to hear anything or anyone, to travel to lands that only exist in the imagination??? It's like explaining drug addiction.. or falling in love. Until you experience it, it's not something that mere words can convey.
I tried though, I told him about how.. when I read a book, especially a REALLY good one, it's like watching a mental movie. I no longer see the individual words.. I just see this movie, going frame by frame, and I don't see it on a screen. I'm part of it. I'm standing there as dragons fight for their existence, and mere mortals watch a teenage boy become a man of legendary proportions. I feel the satin of a blue sapphire egg, harder than rock, with a heat coming from within. I smell the stench of dark henchmen, blood coating their swords, and I smell the dankness of a forest...
Well.. I guess you can't explain it.. you can only enjoy it... :)

Trust.. it's a fickle thing..

2008-09-08T18:16:00.000-07:00

trust (trst)n.

1. Firm reliance on the integrity, ability, or character of a person or thing.

2. Custody; care.

3. Something committed into the care of another; charge.

a. The condition and resulting obligation of having confidence placed in one: violated a public trust.

b. One in which confidence is placed.

5. Reliance on something in the future; hope.

You know.. I seem to be stuck on a rather "literal" vein these days, for that, I apologize.
But, I am, and since I need to talk, I guess this would be as good a topic as any.
Trust is a bitch, she really is. It takes HUGE amounts of work to establish it, and mere suspicions to destroy it. No proof, just suspicion. And I've been the guilty party in that one before.. a few times it seems. My last semi serious relationship, I broke things off with a man I was falling in love with because he wasn't dependable enough to trust completely. In retrospect, I was quick to jump out because I don't trust easily in ANY situation. Ironically.. if they make it past that first initial breakup, I have an easier time trusting them. Them being men of course. It's almost like it's a test.. if you love me enough to want to work it out, then obviously, I MIGHT be able to trust you eventually. No matter what though, it's a hard won thing for me. I don't really trust many people. I can count the few on one hand. So the fact that I DO trust my fiance says alot. The fact that he's still here does too. It's been a rough go so far, and it seems like it's always getting rougher, and we still have that whole "first year" of marriage to get through too, if we make it that far.
He's not very trusting either. It seems to be a product of being in a relationship where you have a significant other cheat on you. Lordy knows, I've been there. Both my husbands, as well as my baby's father. My last two relationships have been the only ones where I was NOT cheated on. Which isn't to say I'm a pure as the driven snow kinda girl. Totally off THAT mark... but Ive grown. With age has come some really hard won wisdom, and A LOT of bumps bruises and heartaches along the way.
I don't mean to make mysef sound "high maintenance" because i don't think I truly am. I have my moments, but I think probably, everyone does. We'd ALL had life cave in on us at some point. Hoever, the question I think ends up being how you handle it, and what you do about it.
Do you use it as a filter to see the rest of your life through? Using it to view situations in the worst possible light? Determined that the whole of the group is the same as it's members...? OR, do you let it go and become a door mat of ginormous import? Just letting it all go, till the emotional bruises are gone, and eveything is all about putting on a "good face". I hope like hell it isn't the second one, because I TRULY suck at political propriety. I'd rather have ALL the info, good and bad, so I can hae an honest opinion based on education and not ignorance.
But how do you choose that for another person? Do you realize that when you are coming from a place of distrust, you are poisoning the well you drink from? Do you realize the anger that is eating away at your soul? As well as your "new" relationship. When you have NO trust, you have NO future. It's a logic of the concept of spoiling your own dream. You can't run around NOT trusting, and snooping and being a general nuisance without running off your person you are SOOOO concerned with losing, that you shoved them away. I should know. I've done it. So, it's really a question of character, and your OWN security and trust in YOURSELF. Knowing that you CAN and DO make the right choices even at the hardest times, it's invaluable. I can't say I do it nearly often enough, but, I definitely try.

Forgiveness

2008-09-06T12:20:00.000-07:00

Forgiveness (For*give"ness) n.
[AS. forgifnes.]

1. The act of forgiving; the state of being forgiven; as, the forgiveness of sin or of injuries. "To the Lord our God belong mercies and forgivenesses." Dan. ix. 9. "In whom we have . . . the forgiveness of sin." Eph. i. 7.
2. Disposition to pardon; willingness to forgive. "If thou, Lord, shouldest mark iniquities, O Lord, who shall stand? But there is forgiveness with thee, that thou mayest be feared." Ps. cxxx. 3, 4.

Forgiveness. It is something we hear alot about in our world, but not too many examples stand out. We obviously are not a forgiving nation as a whole.. we are war mongers who want the whole world to be like.. well.... US.
It's a concept that people attribute to religions, and the concept of forgiving an enemy. Like the definition above, we as a society use that link between religion and forgiveness to judge it's validity.
For me, it's a way of life. I cannot imagine NOT forgiving people that have hurt me. Sometimes, it bites me, sometimes it is totally worth it.
What makes me wonder though is how it is that when you are a forgiving person, people interpret it as being a doormat? For myself, my mother in particular has issues with me being very forgiving. Like for example, I've decided that forgiving my ex's fiance, whom he left me and our 3 week old son for, is important to me.My mom, well, she thinks I've lost my everlovin' mind. Which I can understand, my mom is somehow angrier than I have been in a VERY long time. But I disagree, my ex's fiance is not a horrible woman, she's a woman who made a mistake. And she didn't make it with hurting me in mind, she made it with creating a life with HER love in her mind. Do I think she was wrong? Yes. I do not support cheating, no matter which end of the relationship you are on. But who am I to judge her for doing it? Maybe, she felt like it was her only option? I don't know, I'm not her. But regardless of what her reasons were, it is over, it's done, and I didn't come out the worse. I now have an AMAZING fiance, who loves me so much that as long as we are doing something I really love, he's happy. If she hadn't "stolen" my boyfriend, then I might not have met my fantastic fiance.
So, with that in mind, it's not even JUST about that. She's going to be Ron's stepmom. Isn't THAT good enough reason? He loves her, as he should, and she loves him. It only benefits Ron, ,to have ALL the adults in his life thinking him the most wonderful little guy:) So, to be a good mom, I can totally accept that my son is GOING to, and should, have relationships with other adults. It's GOOD for him. If I was one day gone, it is a comfort to know that he will have a woman who loves him to help teach him about women, and relationships. To help him pick out flowers for his first date, let alone to make sure he KNOWS he should bring them. My ex feels the same way about MY fiance, that it's NICE as adults to know that Mattie will ALWAYS have a ton of support if something ever happened to one of us. It's the way it should be for ALL children of divorce/separation. It should be a world where they have the option to love ALL the adults, not only the ones that one parent approves of.
So, I think those are GREAT reasons for forgiveness. But seriously.. I don't NEED reasons. I come by forgiveness naturally. It's a second part of my personality. And it's mine. So, I guess I'm going to KEEP forgiving, and KEEP telling Mom to leave it alone, that I AM doing the right thing.
It's rarely easy to do the right thing, but it IS always rewarding.

ARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!

2008-09-02T20:36:00.000-07:00

Snarky... it's a word.. right? After all, I think I've used it for years now. Anyway, webster's endorsed or not, it aptly describes how I am feeling today. I'm Snarky. Ron is driving me batty, singing little tidbits of song, while trying to sit on my lap. Now.. I know.. what kind of crappy ass momma would get irritated by her darling 2 year old having the audacity to ... *gasp* sit in HER LAP???? Yeah... again, that would be me, the snarky one. You see, said 2 year old, is truly adorable. Which translates to "He's a royal pain in the *bleep*". I love Ron. I truly truly do. But frankly, this child is already smarter than I and his vocabulary will be bigger than mine when he's five at this rate, and since I can BARELY keep up with him NOW... I'm screwed. I've never in my life seen a 2 year old that can be.... sarcastic. Yep, he can. He also started spelling 'Cat' to me the other day. Of course, he was reading it... yeah, somehow that doesn't make it any better. What happened? lol
Then, to make things worse.. today, at Costco, we went to get gas. Now.. I use some pretty profund wording in my life, however, I do not, nor does anyone we associate with, use the word 'gasoline'. However, today, pulling into Costco, with the big lettered "Gasoline" painted overhead, Ron busted out with "We getting gasooohliinnee". He said it with emphasis, and slowly. Murphy and I are both rather dismayed by this display. Do I realize that at some point, someone said "Gasoline" in front of him? Yep. I do, cuz seriously, my 2 year old didn't read it right?
Now, from my overly prodigious toddler, to my learning disabled teen. Yes, George has learning disabilities. One such issue is that he has an enormously difficult time writing by hand. Give the boy a keyboard, and he can write to win the Pulitzer. Give him a pen and paper, and "See Dick and Jane" has more enthusiastic prose. So, last year, George got HORRIBLE grades. I was horrified to see them. (No, not all F's but he did get one or two.) and I came down on him for the last semester of the year like a ton of bricks. I'm talking losing gameboys, game cube, tv, movies, outside, etc. NOTHING worked. So, this year, as his father is trying to threaten me... uh yeah, again, we are trying to get George to seriously GET that he HAS to put in effort, or he's going to miss out. But, he doesn't hear it.
Homework: (HoeMMMwurk: from the hebrew word "Ohshit" which means "parent stays up to finish high schooler's impossible homework"). Seriously, it's insane, I haven't done this much schoolwork since I Was IN collage~ and just so ya'lll know, no, I don't just DO it. I sit down and RE-TEACH what they aren't understanding.
I just wish it wasn't so... mechanical. I also wish that I could get George to figure out that Murphy and I are NOT trying to be mean.. we aren't. We KNOW how smart he is, we just want him to show OTHER people besides us. Like um... maybe, his DS father?? Yeah.. like THAT will happen.. I'd be better off waiting to hit the Lotto.

oooohhhhhhhhhhh yeah.. almost forgot.

2008-08-31T15:52:00.000-07:00

Hell... I forget everything.
Anyway, in my last post, I made reference to my trip to Macy's today being "another blog". People who know me, know I am NOT a Macy's kind of girl. I'm more the down and dirty, dresses up nice, but gets muddy with the boys, kind of girl. The one that threw footballs with an ease and accuracy that used to seriously piss off my male teammaites. I've never been Ms. Junior Society, going out on rare occassions. So..about 2 months ago, my Grandma, who TOTALLY is a Macy's woman, tells me to take home this brand new bottle of foundation, from Estee Lauder. I say okay because to argue with Gram is much like resisting the Borg. It's "Futile". So.. once I get it home, I decided hey.. let's try it... then I can give it back and just say sorry, not my shade. No biggie. So.. I tried it and voila'! I was addicted. I.. the queen of 8 bottles of foundation in one makeup bag.. for the dry days, the pale days, the tan days, the oily days.. had found foundation nirvana. Grandma had seduced me in, with the sleekness, the silkiness.. the sheer matching while making my skin look perfect. I was stuck.
37$. WTF? ONE little bottle.. 37$. Hmmm.. yeah.. we can go without gas this week.
I have a new bottle.. it looks so pretty. Insanity.. it's the way to go. :)

Ugh.

2008-08-31T15:35:00.000-07:00

Don't you hate those days when you feel like.. well.. shit. Nothing sounds interesting, nothing sounds yummy, nothing sounds fun. You just want to sit like a bump on a log and pretend you are NOT needing to get up and cook/clean/parent/drive/shop, etc. I'm in a funk. It's official. And I'm not sure WHY I am in said funk, but I am. Maybe it's the NON-stop nightmares this past week. Whenever I stress, it sucks because it manifests itself in nightmares. Ugh. Cuz yeah, really, the answer to stress is to not get enough sleep and then stress because you are tired. WTF?
And really, you'd think I'd be happy. After all, I have amazing children, who while they do not always listen as they should, are generally really awesome kids. I have an amazing man, who after being with "Bitchy the Psycho Bunny" as I'm calling her, for a decade, still has the capacity to love and adore me after years of emotional blackmailing. Even the little things are good. Like, well, my love affair with my hair. Yes, I admit it. I'm vain about my hair. Because in this world of conformity, it's uniquely and 100%.... ME. Just Me. No one else has hair just like mine. And I like it that way. It's shades of everything from blond and brown to violently violet and eyepopping pink. And it's beautiful. It totally shows off my green eyes. I get compliments about 15 times a day while out shopping about "How amazing" my hair looks to "OMG, where did you get it done?????" to "How do you keep it so bright? What's the secret?" Yes, I do get the conformity chasing, bible thumpin, holier than thou crowd too, but frankly, I kinda enjoy knowing they just got their granny panties in a knot. They deserve it for passing judgement without knowing me. Sometimes, it starts one way and ends up the other. Today, I went to Macy's to buy my foundation (that's a whole nother story) and the lady behind the makeup counter looked at me like it was "Trailer Trash Tina Goes Shopping" and was horrified when I actually TALKED. So after getting my makeup and me giving her the almost 40 bucks for it, she asks, "Do you want to open a Macy's card?" and I said "No. I hate the mall and avoid it like the plague. This is where the parents too lazy to actually PARENT their children send them to avoid them setting fires at home." She started laughing, and soon, is telling me stories about some of the kids she's dealt with at work, and we are talking about parenting, and how much it's changed since some asshole decided it was child abuse to say "NO!". Next thing I knew, she looks at me and says... "You are seriously gorgeous." I was floored. She went on to say "You have the most amazing eyes, and your hair, it shows how much innate style you possess, which just makes you all the more attractive." She wasn't even SELLING me anything. I'd already paid. I was done. But it was nice.. and it was nice to see that next time, she may not be so quick to judge. So, it's really been quite a mishmash of reactions, but most of them have been pretty positive. So that SHOULD make me feel happier. I found the PERFECT whipped cream recipe. It's one so good that I really don't wanna share.. ya know? And I can make it in like 40 diff flavors even. It's amazing. I made Raspberry for the girls at the mom/pop diner we eat breakfast at every weekend morning. It was to go ontop of the chocolate chip/white choc chip cheesecake that I took them to enjoy and OMG were they ever THRILLLLLLED. It was truly an ego boosting experience. (I love to cook and I love when people enjoy my cooking.) But no. Still feeling totally.. just completely... 110%.... BLAH. I guess it's just not my day.
Maybe it will look up tho. Hubby-to-be is taking me to pick up more of my "secret whipped weapon" this afternoon, while it's still on sale. So.. maybe, once I get that.. and get started on my Bahama Mama Porkchops, I will feel better. I will feel more my bouncy, happy, outgoing, loving self. The one that scares some, intices others, and usually amuses most. Maybe.. just MAYBE, she will come back out to play again. Keep yer fingers crossed... I'm blowin this hotdog stand!! TTYS!

Factoids.. hmmm.. I LOVE that word:)

2008-08-26T17:15:00.000-07:00

Since Jenna did it, now Becky needs to. Just... cuz. :) heheh

12 things huh? All about me? Hmmm.. this should be a kicker.

1. I had both nipples pierced, at the age of 23, at the exact same time. After that, I knew why they suggested the same time! lol. They came out 3 months later because they wouldn't heal at all. Turns out my body rejects piercing of all kinds.

2.) I once ran away from home because I wanted my mom to have a better life. Little did I know, that even though I was what made it tough, I was also what made it worth the tough.

3.) I am the original nightmare of stray collectors. I LOVE animals and I have had to TRAIN myself to NOT save all of them, all of the time. I even collect stray people. Sad huh?

4.) I LOVE learning about sociology and psychology. I love learning how minds work, and groups with minds work, and occasionally, groups I'm pretty sure who HAVE no minds work. lol

5.) If I wasn't a total carnivore, I'd have been a hippie. I'm a total peacenik, who loves when things can be handled quietly and amicably. Most people are very surprised by that, because I can fight with the best of them.

6.) I detest the word "hate". I don't like when my kids use it, I don't like when I use it. I only use it under extreme duress usually. I apply it to no humans. I detest my ex and I hate his ACTIONS but I do not hate him. Without him my oldest son would not be who he is.

7.) Once I love you, that's it. You'd damn near have to destroy me to convince me to NOT love you. It makes life real interesting around here, cuz it causes me to stay good friends with ex's even when it drives my poor fiance batty.

8.) I want to adopt a little girl from China. I am familiar with the horror of the living conditions for many of the little girls in orphanages, and I want desperately to bring one home. One day, I am determined to make that happen, and I will teach her the beautiful aspects of her culture and any others that I possibly can.

9.) It took me 34 years to find true love from a man. I've had wonderful men in my life, only a few, but they were awesome. However, none of them loved me enough to accept the good and the bad together. Now that I have him, I am determined to make this work.

10.) I secretly feel sorry for his and my 1st spouses. They are both so narcessistic and self-centered that their lives are like minefields. They make our lives hard but we are so much luckier than they are.

11.) I have AMAZING girlfriends. They are unbelievably awesome. I would KILL to live on a beach, with just them and our families. :) it would be the BESTEST thing EVER!

12.) I LOVE to give self-empowerment speeches in front of hundreds of people at any given time!:) I love talking and making a difference in people's lives. :) It makes me feel worthy. :)

This, That, Other

2008-08-26T14:56:00.001-07:00

The Rule (there's only one): List One Dozen Factoids About YOU.

Go~

1. I have a freckle in my left eye.

2. One boob is bigger than the other.

3. I have a baby tooth that never fell out.

4. I have a strange fear of Bigfoot.

5. I love Magic Brownies Ice Cream by Ben and Jerry's.

6. I am a total geek. I love Battlestar Galactica, Firefly, Star Trek, Star Wars, and Dexter's Laboratory.

7. I would rather do almost anything that call someone "official" on the telephone.

8. I love elephants. In my next life, I want to be one. People think I'm kidding. I assure you, I am not.

9. I have been married twice, divorced once.

10. I have THE BEST girlfriends ever. Now.. if only I could get within SHOUTING distance of one of them. That would be fantabulous!

11. I spell "night", nite despite the fact that it's spelled incorrectly.

12. My favorite wine is a chilled Pinot Grigio.

NEXT!

Omg.. this is too funny.. and true.

2008-08-25T18:29:00.000-07:00

I find the following little "excerpt" rather funny. Just because like any OTHER woman on earth, I highly doubt most guys would have an easy go of SAH parenting. I do think however, that just like us women, after a period of trial and error, they might just figure it out. But it still made me chuckle. :)

THE NEXT SURVIVOR SERIES

Six married men will be dropped on an island with one car and 3 kids each
for six weeks.

Each kid will play two sports and either take music or dance classes.

There is no fast food.

Each man must take care of his 3 kids; keep his assigned house clean,
correct all homework, and complete science projects, cook, do laundry, and
pay a list of 'pretend' bills with not enough money.

In addition, each man will have to budget in money for groceries each week.

Each man must remember the birthdays of all their friends and relatives,
and send cards out on time--no emailing.

Each man must also take each child to a doctor's appointment, a dentist
appointment and a haircut appointment.

He must make one unscheduled and inconvenient visit per child to the
Urgent Care.

He must also make cookies or cupcakes for a social function.

Each man will be responsible for decorating his own assigned house,
planting flowers outside and keeping it presentable at all times.

The men will only have access to television when the kids are asleep and
all chores are done.

The men must shave their legs, wear makeup daily, adorn him with jewelry,
wear uncomfortable yet stylish shoes, and keep fingernails polished and
eyebrows groomed.

During one of the six weeks, the men will have to endure severe abdominal
cramps, back aches, and have extreme, unexplained mood swings but never
once complain or slow down from other duties.

They must attend weekly school meetings, church, and find time at least
once to spend the afternoon at the park or a similar setting.

They will need to read a book to the kids each night and in the morning,
feed them, dress them, brush their teeth and comb their hair by 7:00 am.

A test will be given at the end of the six weeks, and each father will be
required to know all of the following in formation:
each child's birthday, height, weight, shoe size, clothes size and
doctor's name.

Also the child's weight at birth, length, time of birth, and length of labor,
each child's favorite color, middle name, favorite snack, favorite song,
favorite drink, favorite toy, biggest fear and
what they want to be when they grow up.

The kids vote them off the island based on performance.

The last man wins only if...he still has enough energy to be intimate with
his spouse….at a moment's notice.

If the last man does win, he can play the game over and over and over
again for the next 18-25 years eventually earning the right to be called
Mother!

wow.. wow.. wow..

2008-08-25T10:08:00.000-07:00

So, last night, I'm reading a copy of People. It's the one with the cover story being Ellen marrying her female partner, Portia. I love Ellen anyway with her quirky personality, and constant smile. I always have. Her fiance (now wife) is unquestionably beautiful. I turned a page into the story, and there was this picture. It overwhelmed me how beautiful it was. It was them, standing in the dining area, with their foreheads together and arms around each other, and it was simply the most beautiful picture I think I've ever seen of a newlywed couple. Straight, gay, crooked.. I don't care., It was amazing. How ANYONE could say this love is wrong, astounds me. It's clearly the kind of love that the rest of us wish we had in our lives, and the kind that the whole world benefits from. Sadly, I could only get this small sized version, from Ellen's website. I NEVER send messages to celebs.. but I think I will be this time.

I'm not even one that really is "into" the stars. I read the mags when I am bored, or something catches me (like Ellen's wedding). So normally, I could care less how fancy or pretty weddings are. And frankly, these two could have gotten married in potato sacks in the middle of a rock quarry and they would have been beautiful. The love they have for each other is so apparent, that its enough to make me wonder what heavenly stars blessed them.

I am not a sucker for love, gooing over every couple I see. But this one.. is exceptional. I wish Ellen and Portia all the luck, love, and good fortune this world has to offer. People of ALL walks could take a lesson from these two incredibly classy ladies. Well done:)

P.s. Any nasty comments left on this post will be erased and I will NOT respond. if you leave one.. you aren't worth my effort to respond to.

F U Best Buy!!!

2008-08-25T08:28:00.000-07:00

Soooo, in case you are wonderin about that title... I had to go to BB yesterday. You see... I bought my beautiful, lovely, oft-used, very adored, laptop there back in April. (okay, hubby-man bought it, it was my 34th birthday present from him. Ain't he awesome?:). Anyway, so, a few days ago, suddenly, my fan started making this HORRENDOUS noise. I mean it sounded like a friggin jet was taking off from my bedroom!!!! I was SOOOO pissed! So.. after cleaning the case, etc. as my father (there is a whole nother blog) told me to, it was STILL making that sound! So, the big guy and I tromped down to our local BB. This is right after a chat with Dell to ensure that my warranty was in fact, in place and very very valid, and during said conversation, Dell stated "Best Buy will do the repair for free as it falls under your buyer's warranty still". Okay.. good deal. We get down there and after a 20 min wait for one of their "Geeks" we are talking to a young man who seems to know less about my computer than I do! BUT, he says some young man named Matt will be doing the repair, no biggie. I ask him about a 34$ fee that shows up on the paper I am asked to sign. He says no, just pay attention to the 0$ amount on the bottom. I say "Ok, because Dell told me this is a free repair." No comment from young man. I go on to say it again, and ask how long I'll have to wait, and I'm told 2-3 days. UGH. WHAT? to reseat a fan? ugh. Anyway. I say ok, and I sign all the papers, etc. Then as we are wrapping up the transaction, he says "That will be $49.99." WTF???? I said "So you mean to tell me, I am supposed to pay $50 for a repair, on a laptop ya'll sold, under ya'lls warranty still, to have something fixed that should not have broken?" He says it's the labor cost, the parts are free. WTF again??? No.. I am NOT paying money to fix something that should NOT have broken, that should NOT cost me more money to fix. NOPE. That's the reason we had the damned warranty! So, I am TOTALLY pissed, still going home with my broken laptop and my now irritated as hell attitude.
Here's a copy of the letter that particular attitude produced:
I am writing because I am absolutely appalled at the service I received yesterday in your Vacaville location. I purchased my Inspiron 1525 laptop back in April of THIS year. Yesterday, after my fan decided to start making a sound like a jet taking off, I brought the laptop AND my receipt into the store. After waiting 15 minutes to talk to someone, I was helped by a young man, who REPEATEDLY did NOT tell me that this "repair" on a part that SHOULD have not had a problem, on a basically NEW laptop that YOUR company sold me, was going to cost me an additional $50. This was AFTER a phone call with Dell, in which I was assured repeatedly that your company's "Geek Squad" service would NOT be charging me, since the unit IS under warranty both from Dell AND your store. It was not until the very END of our discussion and me filling out paperwork, during which time I questioned a charge on the "estimate" and was told there was NO charge, that I was informed it was going to cost me $50 to have this repaired. What kind of warranty service is THAT? I will never be shopping with Best Buy again. I am sickened by both the behavior and the avoidance tactics of this young man, as well as your "policy" of charging to fix an item that your company is already covering under a warranty! If I had realized at that point that there was not a "full" warranty on this product I would have just purchased it directly from DELL who would have fixed this item at no cost to ME. I am disgusted, and I WILL be sharing this story with everyone I know (online and offline) so that they are aware that when purchasing from your stores, they are NOT going to have a full warranty available, unless they pay for extended warranties, above and beyond. They need to go either directly to the manufacturer, or they need to use another chain store, where perhaps their buying powers are valued, and the customer service actually MEANS customer service.

So. I was still hella irritated last night, tried what I could to see what the issue was... no luck. However... this morning..... I FIXED IT! Myself, with NO 2-3 day wait and NO FIFTY DOLLAR FEE! Yay ME!
How you wonder? Well, if you really want to know, message me, I'll be happy to share. :) Maybe I can save YOU fifty dollars and a HUGE headache.
Assholes. I will NEVER shop there again.

Ugh.. I hate Mondays.

2008-08-25T07:46:00.001-07:00

I am one of those people that truly hates.. Mondays. I know, it's dumb. Seriously, I have FOUR other days to choose from to detest, in which I get up hella early on EACH one. But no... Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday and Friday do not get to me like this. Only Monday does. I think because I have just had two days to get used to sleeping in a little, (I have a 2 year old, only one day do I get to sleep ALOT and that's the day he's with his daddy), and having all my peeps right here. My fiance is up earlier than me, but if the baby's not home, I'm allowed to sleep till I wake up. It's a nice thing:) But Mondays, I get up and it's insane for the first hour. Between getting up to get baby man going for Dad to come pick up for his day, and getting both big boys up and showered, and fed, and clothed, and ready for the bus/bike ride to school, it's just... insane. I'm lucky this year though. Now that we've moved my youngest into our school district (he's gone across town till this year), I get to relax and not jump in the car, to battle the idiot moms (and dads) that can't seem to find their good manners while driving Jr to school, only to finally be done and then come home, irritated and lucky to be alive, (seriously, if you doubt that, you've never tried to drop off a child at one of the TWO high schools in a town of about half a million), now I get to sit and just direct the traffic in my house. Sadly, Mondays also bring a slew of phone calls to be made, like the ones I have to make today to the doctors for an appt for Ron, and the high school counselor, to give him a heads up to contact me if the harrassment from my ex gets to be too much. It also brings cooking, and cleaning... it's just not my favorite day.
Perhaps, I'm just in a particularly bad mood this morning. After all, my ex called FOUR times last night, which I tried to ignore. But it doesn't work so well. So, there's another phone call, I have to call the lawyers. Ugh. I'm off to make calls. :( Some one put me out of my misery!

I worked... and worked.. and worked..

2008-08-18T23:00:00.000-07:00

That's what I did today. Of course, that was after sleeping away my morning.. ugh do I ever hate medication changes.. it just messes me all up.
But, I'm pretty happy. My baby boys are both home from their Dad's respective visitations. I'm always glad to have them home on one hand, but frustrated on the other hand. It's hard. The first few weeks, it's "transition" time. It's when they are remembering and relearning, how things work at home. I totally understand it.. really, I do. But it's hard.
This is George's 10th year of going to spend summer with his father, and like always, he comes home emotionally torn up. I guess his father thinks he is getting somewhere with bashing me to George, when really, George is starting to hate him for it. I feel so helpless that is definitely the hardest part for me. I want to protect him and yet, I cannot protect him from this. He says he won't go back, which is really his decision since he's 15 now. But it's sad, as he truly loves his brother that lives there.
As for Fred, this was his FIRST year, despite being 11. He's an amazing young guy, and he's just going through so much hell right now with all the changes. He gave his father a real run for his money, which I do think is natural as Fred is going to have to learn to trust him. You don't waltz in 10 years later and get honorary respect rights. :( But it's hard watching my boys go through this. I honestly want both of them to have good relationships with their fathers because I KNOW how it benefits them in time. But it doesn't seem to be working that way.
Luckily, all the kids have my fiance Murphy, who really does perform the "dad" role here at our house, and he's a good man so I am glad my boys are seeing that. It's just unbelievably hard to watch them struggle through the rest of it. I pray every night that I've done a good job as mom, in teaching them to be good people, with good morals about how to treat people, and good parents, who know that too many children suffer when adults can't be decent to each other.
So far so good, I get alot of compliments on them when we are out:)
As for the working.. ugh. I'm like cleaning to the "bone" these days, and spent a whole afternoon, folding and refolding clothes, to clear some stuff out, to create more room in this horribly small apartment. But, it's worth it for the extra space we get out of it when i do it.
Well, I'm starting to doze off, so, much love to my one reader, J-Bug:) I love you mi chica!:)

2008-08-17T13:25:00.000-07:00

Here's my hair. I love my hair. I love bright vivid colors and I definitely think my hair fits that bill:) For those who don't care for it... all I have to say is:
Don't LOOK!

Random Stuff I Find Online (yeah, I know... I have too much time on my hands...)

2008-08-16T18:34:00.001-07:00

2008-08-16T18:31:00.000-07:00

Ron: I please sit your lap mommy?

Mom: Ok. why do you need to sit on my lap?

Ron: I protect lap.

Mom: Who are you protecting my lap from?

Ron: Garbage truck. On your lap, Mommy.

Mom: A garbage truck is going to try to sit on my lap??!!??

Ron: Yep, I make go away.

Whew.. so glad he saved me from the "garbage truck". This is life with a verbally precocious, SUPER intelligent, advanced to the point of preschool.... 2 year old. Yep. Just barely turned 2 last month. He's amazing, he's challenging, and everytime I turn around... he's changing. It's been an amazing ride thus far with this particular child, who was HORRID as an infant, with severe colic, to busyness that was just exhausting with learning to "scoot", to his first words at 9 months, to now. Now he's at an age where it's a constant change. One minute he LOVES macaroni cheese, the next he won't eat it. One minute he hates the water of the pool, the next, he's begging to go swimming. I guess that's the one thing that truly marks a 2 year old is change. He's growing so fast, and he's so smart, that I'm frankly kind of scared about what life is going to bring in the next few years. Can I keep up? I really don't know.

Right now, he's bossing his 15 year old brother... "George, you get shoes, we need go to dinder, so we can eat. Mommy says no eat more fortune cookies." Yes, his sentences while choppy, are that of a child twice his age. He's learned to compare and contrast, which I learned was a preschool notion. He's pretty well blown every bit of child development training I ever had.. and frankly, I'm scared. lol

That's a post I just wrote on Cafemom. I've been a member in Cafemom for oh, a year and a half or so.. maybe even two. I dunno. What I DO know, is that I don't want men on cafemom. I don't really CARE that men are becoming stay at home dads. I STILL want my little corner of the world, where I don't have to worry about pissing off someone with a penis. I want to know that when I post pics of my kids, my friends are FEMALES looking at them. I want a FEMALE perspective on MY personal issues. If I wanted a man's, I'd ask my fiance. Who incidentally, is comfortable enough with his OWN self that he doesn't NEED Cafemom to open it's doors to him. He's all for it being all about women, all the time. If he needs a male to male chat, he can find numerous websites for it, he knows this.

So why is it then that the owners of cafemom, incidentally MEN, are being bashed for not allowing men on the site?And they are being called everything from sexist to prejudice? I just found out TODAY that there are HUGE arguments going on all over the web about this issue. WTF? What is the problem with a site, designed for women, and only allowing women? Are men REALLY that needy that they have to be allowed into ALL aspects of our lives? We talk there about things that frankly, we don't always WANT our men to know. It's our right and it's something that we enjoy. Imagine my stunned feeling when I realized how many men are out there throwing SHIT fits that they aren't allowed. Seriously? Get a life boys. You HAVE your areas where most women do not tread. I don't WANT to sit and talk to you all damn day. I want to talk to the girls, with the girls, about whatever we want, without worrying about some man getting his panties in a wad because his feelings got hurt. Get over it already, and go start your Cafedad or whatever the hell you want. But get out of OUR world, you are being liars when you create profiles there, and frankly, it just shows what jackasses ya'll really are.

To clarify things further, this is a statement regarding this issue, posted by one of the operators of the Cafemom website. www.cafemom.com

CafeMom is not a parenting site. We have tried to create a online community site for moms to speak in their own voices about issues that are important to them. While parenting is a often topic, so are dieting, humor, husbands / partners, popular culture and many more.

We are equally very excited about the diversity of the mom voices being expressed and look forward to watching where the conversations go.

Matt

CafeMom

Zucchini Banana Blueberry Bread

2008-08-15T07:49:00.000-07:00

Yep, you read it right. Yeah, I KNOW it sounds like a weird mixture, but let me tell you, it was OH so good! I made TEN loaves of it yesterday. Ok.. they were mini loaves, but loaves just the same! lol
What happened was, I saw this recipe for zucchini blueberry bread, and well, being a devout lover of both zucchini bread and blueberry bread, I thought hmmm, that sounds good! Then I got to thinking.. I really REALLY love banana nut bread, because it gives it a special moisture. So.. why not. And I added 2 bananas to the mix. It came out AMAZING, because I ALSO added a walnut crumble topping, and it was a winner!
All my guys (Fred's still at dad's house) George, Ron and Murphy had some as soon as it came out of the oven, and Ron, who's a notoriously picky 2 year old, just kept asking for more! My mom tried it, pronounced it wonderful, so, I took two loaves of it to Gigi's house. (she's terminally ill, so we take whatever appetizing food we find to her) and she looked kinda excited to try it. I'm hoping it will be her breakfast this morning when she gets up. :)
I love to bake. It is something I've done since I was a little girl, and I love doing it. I love the look on my family's faces when they try something new I made, and honestly, because I AM a good baker, I don't think they've EVER not wanted to try something new. :) It's a nice feeling to know that my family is well cared for in that respect. :)
Fred will be home on Sunday, FINALLY. This has been the longest three weeks ever! This boy is my life, he's my baby and my soulmate child. So, he's never been away from me for more than 2 days! I'm soooo glad he's coming home, even though within an hour of seeing each other, he will be fighting with George. It's their job, thats what they do. :) Ron is STOKED that his brother is coming home. Every day now he says "Momma ****(George) be home soon??" It's so nice to be able to say "Yes, sugar, he is". I miss that little towheaded monster. :)
So, I dyed my hair again last night:) It's now HOT pink with violet streaks,:) I love it! I am so excited by it:) anf Murphy, he thinks it's hot!:) Funny how my good little Christian man came to really appreciate the zanier things in life. :) He was a member of a VERY restrictive Christian church, and he'd only been out of it less than a year when I met him. So, he's REALLY come a long long way in a short few months. The best part? He's happier now, with an open mind and an open heart. It's a wonderful thing. :)
A great many people have wondered about my religion in my life, what is it? Is she Christian? Is she pagan?
I'm both. Yep, both. I was raised a good little Catholic girl, but I hated the chuch. It was huge, dark and impersonal. When my dad committed suicide, I was 15. When the church declared it a sin against God, I left the church. How dare they say it was a sin against God when it was his God that made him severely mentally ill? The church relented and honored his life, however, I never returned. It was the epitome of arrogance and narrow minds to me. It still is. I was agnostic for many years, figured the "Big Bang" must be the answer, and then one day, I stumbled upon Shamanism. It's basically Native American Religion. And it made sense. I started looking more and more into Paganism, and found out that well, it matched alot of what I personally believed. I didn't know till then that there was an answer for the "what am I?" question. I was a practicing witch for roughly 10 years. Then a couple years ago, I started crying everytime someone said "God Bless You" (no not for sneezing) because I was going through the hardest time in my life thus far, my baby's father left us when our son was just 3 weeks old. I was a mess, my love of my life was gone, to another woman no less, I was stuck with this colicky baby and 2 more kids. I hadn't planned on being a single mother.. again. As time went on, and my depression lessened, I realized that I was seeing more and more blessings in my life, and that those were a gift from God. Yes, I am a Christian Pagan. I believe ALL Gods are One, and I believe that some how, we all just spoke in different religions, as we do languages. So, NO I do NOT have an issue with my beliefs. Yes, I know the bible prescribes other wise. However, I do not believe in the bible. It's a book, written BY Man, for Man. And frankly, I think it's used as a tool for ignorance, stupidity, judgmentalness, and other sins that God speaks against. So, if you wanna argue with me, whatever, your beliefs are YOUR beliefs, just as they SHOULD BE. Mine are mine. Grow up and leave it at that.
For those who are busy judging this, well, I'll save ya a seat in hell. Have a nice day.

I support Gay Marriage..

2008-08-14T13:58:00.000-07:00

I have supported gay rights for as long as I can remember. I grew up with a gay uncle, who was one of my favorite people. I used to spend weeks with him while my parents went on vacations and it was always alot of fun, and just relaxing. He was incredibly special in my life. Now I don't see him often, he's suffering from AIDS due to an unfaithful lover. It's a horrible disease and luckily, for him, the meds work. He's provided me with a number of fantastic memories, so I grew up without that prejudice of "it's a sin" or any other lame excuse that the anti-gay community can come up with.
Because of my beliefs, I am watching closely the movement afoot to ban gay marriage in my home state of California. I will die speaking out against homophobia and discrimination. However, I don't want to force anyone to read the essay I just found, and love, but if you would LIKE to, here's the info. Along with it, is a link to the petition against Prop 8, the bill to ban gay marriage. The essay explains, and debunks, the myths, fears and other excuses against gay marriage. It's one of the best examples I've ever seen for why this ban is illegal to the core, and why not allowing same sex marriage is against our constitution.. have a read. :)

Click here for full essay: http://www.bidstrup.com/marriage.htm

Vow to Vote No on Proposition 8

Click Here: http://eqfed.org/campaign/vow?qp_source=aw

My mind won't let it go..

2008-08-13T07:08:00.000-07:00

I love controversial movies. The ones that make people think, talk, act... anything that changes the laziness of emotion that so many people suffer from. It's easier to turn away from the difficult topics than to change society, our family or even ourselves.
One of those movies is "A Time To Kill" (based on the novel by John Grisham). It's about a few morals that I find to be completely and undeniably a requirement to living my own life. First, the requirement to be fair, even in the face of prejudice, be it my own or someone else's. Secondly, the right as a parent to protect my child by any and ALL means necessary. Thirdly, to always, always, stand for what's right, as opposed to what's easy.
Watching this movie, I can't help but think of my years in Texas, during which my husband, family and myself took a trip to our local state park. To get there it was about a 3 hr drive, and while driving we decided to stop for something to eat. It was a really rural area, so we stopped at a small diner. I should have taken notice of the name.. Kitchen Korner Kafe. This was only a few months after the dragging death of James Byrd Jr. Upon walking into that "cafe", I realized that I'd passed a pickup truck in the parking lot, with the prerequisite gun rack, and the NOT prerequisite rebel flag in the rear window. The tv was on, and it was talking about the dragging death, and the convicted assailants. A dark haired, heavyset man wearing jeans, suspenders and a cowboy hat sitting on his knee, is sitting with another man, watching the tv from the counter seats. As I walked in, and heard the tv's news, I also heard words I'll never in my life forget... "We showed them niggas." I'll never forget the anger, hatred, and disgust I personally felt upon hearing those words. I was raised in California, my playmates growing up were mostly black. I was the minority in my schools for the first 9 years of school. I was about 10 when I realized that there was a difference between me and my friends, but it didn't matter to me. Yes, I'm proud to say I am a liberal California, born and bred. My world was once color blind, and it was that little girl who heard those words. I promptly dragged my unwilling husband, and our 3 children out of that cafe. He couldn't understand my anger, my disgust at this dirty, filthy man's words. He couldn't understand why I couldn't just ignore it, and move on with my day. But I couldn't. I couldn't sit there and allow my beautiful children to share the same air as these people, for whom ignorance was a choice and a way of life. So I left. (incidentally, my now ex-husband, was from Kansas, so it was more familiar just based on his youth to hear that kind of filth.)
I sit here, writing, almost 10 years later... still disgusted by the words, the mentality that allows the words, and the ignorance that has to have infected a society in order for those words to be acceptable. To this day, that man has marked the person I am, the mother I am, the woman I am, to my very core. Because of him, racism became personal. Yes, I am white, but it became personal, because I couldn't sit and eat my lunch in the presence of such sickness.
Alot of us love to think that we live in a world where such racism is gone, eradicated from the future threads of the fabric of our society. However, it isn't. Yes, most of us have grown past the mentality that allowed the white forefathers of our county to own other human beings. Yes, we no longer have segregation or legal discrimination. Or do we? Here are the words and actions surrounding George W. Bush, our current commander-in-chief, spoken while he was the govenor of Texas (the reaction he had to the death of James Byrd Jr.):
Some advocacy groups, such as the NAACP National Voter Fund, made an issue of this case during George W. Bush 's presidential campaign in 2000 . They accused him of implicit racism, since as governor, he opposed special hate crime legislation and, citing a prior commitment, Bush declined to appear at Byrd's funeral. Because two of the three murderers were sentenced to death and the third to a life term in prison (all charged with and convicted of capital murder, the highest felony level in Texas), Governor Bush maintained that "we don't need tougher laws."

Someone needs to explain to me, how it is, that until those who can't let go of ignorance are afraid of the consequences, we have EVER reached a level where those consequences do not get tougher and tougher. Until they have their hate silenced FOR them by those in power, those who can make the consequences so dire that it's no longer worth spewing hatred, those ignorant hatemongers continue to speak, rant, and be heard by those with weaker minds. Until you lose your life for inciting hatred and racial strife, our laws are NOT tough enough.
However, the movie brought to light an issue that we began facing many years ago. People like myself are still judged by many minorities to be racist. Just based on the color of MY skin. HOW is that any different than the ignorance we strive to erase fron every corner of the world? How is assuming that because I am white I am the one who owes for the years of slavery even REMOTELY fair? It's reverse racism, and it's infecting our country, our society and our lives as a rate that is truly alarming. The movie brings it to light in the last few scenes of the movie, as the main black character tells his white lawyer that he's "One of the bad guys". It's an automatic assumption, and it's wrong.
Yes, blacks fought for their freedoms, something I have incredible respect for. But they didn't do it alone. Whites fought along side them. Whites stood up to their own peers, family, coworkers, bosses, and neighbors to fight for EVERYONE to have equality. They didn't do it because it was the political thing to do, they did it because it was the RIGHT thing to do.
Now for me, my grandparents immigrated from France, Canada, and Portugal. They owned NO ONE. I've fought for the rights of ALL because I firmly believe in human rights, where the only requirement is humanity. So it's time for BOTH sides, to let go of the past, let go of the angers, and let go of the frustration, so that we as a country can be united in the very rights and reasons this country was founded on. The right to a different viewpoint than we were initially given. A right to ALL running the country by voting, and the rights to live our lives without fear of retaliation on us for something as insignifigant as skin color. Our differences go beyond that, but those differences are beauties to be shared. It's the flavors of our melting pot.

Ok, getting off my soapbox, just had to get that off my chest. Yes, will frequently blog about VERY serious topics... thankfully, YOU have the right to use your mouse and guide your ass on outta here.

Soooo excited!

2008-08-12T18:14:00.000-07:00

Hi, my name is Becky, and I am addicted to shopping. Yep, I am. I LOVE getting new things, though I am also an avid clearance ho. heheh:) So, this time of year, as seasons are changing, well, it's the time of year that I usually stock up for next summer. Sometimes though, I get REALLY lucky and find things I can use much sooner. Like at Old Navy yesterday. I took George shopping to see if we could find him some cute/trendy/tolerable school clothes. Luckily, he's kinda preppy so O.N. is a good place for him. Turns out, they JUST got a new shipment of a whole new line of jeans, so they clearanced ALL of the old line. Yep.. 10$ a pair. I love it! Got four pairs for George, 2 for Ron, and 1 for Murphy. Oh, AND they were doing 1/2 off the clearance price for women's and babies. Mattie and I both got a couple new outfits, for around 4$ a piece (whole outfit). Yeppers, I was excited. See, last week, I hit Mervyn's 1/2 off clearance sale, and got Fred some SouthPole outfits, for a total of 20$. He'll be THRILLED when he sees em! He loves the SP brand. Yes, as I said, I'm totally into clearance and sales. I Love getting a good deal, and I'm so good at it that Murphy swears I should write a book, which i would, but it's just sheer luck i think.
So... today, I made another purchase I'm thrilled with. No, it wasn't quite as good of a deal, but it was something I've really wanted that I thought was going to cost me ALOT more. I actually found it at Walmart, surprisingly enough, on sale. It's a "Bonnet style" hair dryer. It's one where it has a 'hat' type of contraption that fits over your head, and pipes heat into that. The reason I am SO thrilled is that 1.) it is really hard for me to hold a blowdryer over my head for any length of time, (thanks to medical issues) and those funky colors I am so fond of putting in my hair? Well, they work ALOT better if they are heated for a substantial period of time. YEAY!!! I am so excited! I can't WAIT to try the turquoise and hot pink and purple now that i have it!! :) :) Thank God/dess that my man is a wonderful guy who LOVES my outgoing nature and rather wild spirit:) When people point and stare, he just chuckles, which I find to be a really cool trait:)

Hmmm, time to go cook dinner. I'm spoiling my man tonight with southern fried chicken, (old family recipe) mashed potatoes, and broccoli. A little garlic, cheddar cheese, and some bacon bits takes the mashed potatoes from comfort food, to the kind of food that made my man propose! lol ;)
Maybe I'll add my fried chicken secrets to the Good Stuff Maynard blog. hmm, I'll have to think on that one. ;)

The one thing all women need one of...

2008-08-11T22:55:00.000-07:00

A best friend. The kind you can call for good or bad, day or night, weekend or weekday, and even if you are blabbering.. they love you anyway.
I have one. And I wouldn't trade her for the world. Just this afternoon, I was telling my son that I would KILL to be able to move to where she is, a place I don't really enjoy mind you, because I want nothing more than to have my BFF with me for stupid stuff. You know... the laundromat, the walmart trips.. the days you HAVE to give in and get a pedicure. Those times. The one in which a best friend is almost the ONLY thing that makes it fun. She's my moon, stars, love, soul, she's everything I love about me, and everything I wish I was, rolled into one person. :)
Does it sound like I'm in love with my best friend? Yeah, I am. To a certain extent, it's no different than my love for my fiance. But don't tell him, it's deeper in alot of ways. I can't tell HIM everything, but i can tell her. I shudder to think what would happen if i had to choose between them.. she's my best friend. Men will come and go, but my best friend.. she'll be forever.
All women need one, it's the mixture of sister, mother, best friend, love, caring, warmth, and just every positive aspect of friendship between women possible. Having a best friend that you can really truly count on, it makes the world an okay place to be, even on your worst possible days.
Yeah, J-Bug, i love you. More than you realize. :)

Yo!

2008-08-11T10:28:00.001-07:00

So Beck invited me to contribute to her blog, and that was six days ago, and I am finally getting around to doing just that; contributing. Yes, I have been having procrastination issues as of late, and my delay in response has NOTHING to do with the quality of this blog, and its contents. It's just me... being L A Z Y.

If you want to know more about me, you can catch me here, too, at my blogspot, Moon and Stars. Check it out, if you've a mind to. And yes, I am going to shameless give a plug for our other blog, Good Stuff Maynard, a fantastic recipe blog, to which there are several lovely and talented chefs contributing, including Becky. If you're looking for something new, easy, delicious, sweet, saucy.... chances are, you will find it there. And it's updated regularly, as we try out new recipes all the time. So try one, leave a review... hey, email one of us to be a contributing chef, even! We are ALWAYS on the look out for more talent!

Alright, so now that I've plugged my own blog, and then the recipe blog...what else is there? This is where I talk about me, right? Yeah, 'cept that I can be pretty boring lately...

Hey, here's something to think about. Did you know that there is a legless athlete, a runner, who was denied the chance to compete in this year's summer Olympics? Not for the reasons you're thinking, either... but because the committee decided that his handicap gave him... wait for it.... TOO MUCH OF AN ADVANTAGE!! I kid you not!! The man's prosthesis apparently makes him TOO FAST to compete with all the "regular" athletes. How's THAT for irony? THE MAN HAS NO FEET! From the knees down, he's legless.

I know, right?

Ok, so I think I'll leave off here. That and my youngest daughter, "Delta" is still clotheless and apparently "needs help finding clothes". Because, you know... her closet is just too much of a challenge today....

Peace!

Ugh.. It's Monday..

2008-08-11T08:05:00.000-07:00

I truly hate Mondays. I hate waking up early, and trying to get Ron ready to go with his dad to the sitter's... though I DO love that because it's his "dad's visitation" time, i get the whole day off every Monday, Wednesday and Friday. That alone makes getting up worth it. But I am just NOT a morning person! I love to sleep.. maybe because I get WAY too little sleep during the night. (Hey, YOU try rolling over and getting stabbing pains throughout your body WITHOUT waking up!) This monday however, maybe not so bad.
You see, last night, my fiance decided, to his peril, to look through my text messages. And he saw a message from an ex, offering to give me a hug.:) Now, I'm happy to stay friends with this particular ex, because I happen to absolutely adore his four daughters. But my fiance really REALLY dislikes this particular ex. Possibly because he is aware that if my ex ever had the chance, he'd be working to convince me that he's changed, in a big big way. See, he doesn't stop to realize, that if he trusts ME he doesn't NEED to trust my ex, it's at that point, a moot point. But no, he still looks, and gets upset. And yes, I DO understand it. However, he talks to HIS ex-girlfriend, so why can't I talk to my ex about these children I love so much, or the weather, or whatever else? The fiance already put a morotorium on me talking about ANY issues pertaining to him... which is cool. I can deal with that. But the hissy fits about anything he says is getting a little old. :(
Well, between that paragraph, and this one, I fell back asleep for about an hour. Alas, the world of the the health challenged. It's all good. The baby's not home, and the 15 year old sleeps like that ANYWAYS, so I'm set:)
Now, here in a little while, I'm off to walmart, to pic up pics that I submitted over the web a short while ago. Pics that I would describe, and then describe the project I am working on, but alas, my best friend is the ONLY one who reads this, and is the same BFF that I am keeping this a secret from. For now. It's a fun secret. Don't pop Jennabug. LOVE YOU! hehe

As for the rest of my day? I'll be frying chicken for dinner tonight.. exciting, yah? No.. I know. Not so much. But it IS my day. I'll also attempt to fold the 3 loads of clean laundry on the recliner in my bedroom, and get at least 3 more loads done in the hallway's pile of dirty ones, and um, um, um, ......... I dunno what else. I thought about making peanut butter blossom cookies, but not so sure I have energy. I feel like the energy sappers, (first cousin to the bodysnatchers) came and STOLE allllll my energy. Damned Aliens. :( (And for those of you who googled "illegal aliens" and found this post, that is NOT the kind of alien I'm describing. Off to the nut house for YOU!).

Which brings to mind something I was going to blog about the other day. WHY are people so anti-illegal immigrant these days? 20 years ago, it was acknowledged, and accepted, that these same folks are doing the crap work that WE would not do, so WHY harrass them? Oh.. because their medi-caid/cal/govt insurance costs are costing us... oh.. THAT'S your reason? Hmm, the way I see it, I'd rather pay for them to be here, in terms of medical needs, and pay less than ten bucks for a pint of strawberries, than to send them all "home", and have to hire lazy, LEGAL americans to go work in the fields at 10/hr, which would effectively raise the cost of said strawberries to close to the same price as we shell out between the strawberries and the medical costs. Comprende?? In layman's terms, I would rather pay minimum for strawberries, and their medical, than maximumj for strawberries, and send them home, and keep paying massive amounts to border patrol to keep them gone after we return them. I see this as, keep them here, WIN WIN situation. Make them leave.. lose lose situation. Very simple if you follow.
I know.. many of my loved ones disagree with this.. and for that, I am sorry. But, I've never bowed to mainstream thought and don't intend to start now. K?
There are SOOOO many things in today's world that need MUCH more focus than the hispanic immigrant rate. Try helping young single moms get GOOD quality jobs by allowing them free schooling, good daycare, and housing assistance they don't have to wait till retirement for. OR, how about if everyone HAS to send the immigrants home, we round up ALL the deadbeat parents, take them TO the farm, work them until they drop, and send the "Money" they earn to support their kids? See, I like this idea.
Oh... shoot.
We'd be violating their "rights".
WTF?
Arent' they considered Criminals when they DON'T obey a court order? I could have SWORN that was the WHOLE reason for getting our governments involved with our child support. Hmm, guess I'm wrong again.
Then there are the issues with programs for the elderly. Yes, we have programs that will take them to dr appts. Some even help with rides to the grocery store. Why don't we have one that says "Hey, I KNOW you are bored as hell, sitting in your one bedroom, where your ungrateful little brats you spawned DON'T ever come to visit, sooooo... how bout a trip to Michaels (craft store) or Borders, and then you can find something fun:) Nope.. no fun trips unless it's a group affair to the local casino. That's wrong. They put a TON of effort into our worlds, why not give back to them?
While I'm on the topic of volunteering... my local SPCA is a putz. George wants to volunteer over there on weekends, just helping what he can. So, we Trek over there, which is NO small production with 1 teen, 1 preteen, and a 2 year old that talks like a 10 year old. Note to self, NO MORE TRIPS BY TOYS SECTION!!! : Mattie: "mommy mommy, bue trycickle!" then.. "Mommy I take a duh bike home?" DAMN. I can't exactly let him know how much those eyes kill me, but DAMN he already HAS a "Wed" bike! From his birthday less than a month ago!! He's just so spoiled, and I cant even claim that I don't spoil him anymore.. though admittedly, I AM still more strict, he's required to eat the proteins on his plate PRIOR to the french fries. Yeah, we are having some issues there. But dammit, he's 2 now.. time to man up. If you can compare, contrast, and explain things.. you can grasp "EAT YOUR CHICKEN NUGGET FIRST!" Grr.. glad I got that out.
Hmmm, I DO have one thing I am LOVIN today tho.. my HAIR. I have a serious love/hate relationship with my hair, like most women I've ever met, know now, or will meet, I am sure. It's naturally curly, and the hair itself is thin but I have so much of it, it gives people the illusion that I have thick hair. Well, I HATE being bored with my hair, hence the reason I sent it through the wringer and came out pink with blue accents I love it. And it's LONG.. like an inch or so below my bra line. I want it to be down to my BUTT soon. I love sexy long hair. For me it's the pinnacle of femininity. Of course there are those that do it well, as well as enjoying it, and I envy them, Seriously, I do. I WISH I didn't look like a complete dork with my hair up at my ears, but I do look like an oompa loompa with a bad haircut :( So, I play with temporary colors. I love it. Doesnt thrill many people, but it thrills me, and thank god/dess, I AM the one that matters. Ultimately any way.
Well, I am done with my morning ramble. Off to naptime, meds are kilin me!

many blessings even in a storm

2008-08-07T16:55:00.000-07:00

I am SOOO grateful today for some of the blessings I have, that I just HAVE to write about it. :) As everyone knows, my son is down visiting his father for the first time in his life. He's 11, and he's only met his father for the first time this year. We knew it was going to be kinda hard, despite him being an awesome kid, just because it's just a HUGE change in his world. He was really apprehensive because he not only got a dad and a new little brother in this deal, he got a new stepmom. We'll call her S:)
Anyway, I'd had a little interaction with S prior to his leaving, but not much, and only on the computer. I speak to Fred daily, because he misses me something fierce, and his dad every few days. His dad and I get along fairly well, though I thini we both kinda think "WOW, what the HELL did I do THIS for?" lol. But we don't have the emotional ties that so frequently destroy any coparent relations. So, in this, we are very lucky.
So, as Fred has called me alot, we discuss how things are going there, and he really seems to like and enjoy his stepmom. Today, I got to find out why.
She called me earlier today, and we sat on the phone for almost 45 mins. She's a truly KIND and LOVING and WARM stepmom:) I am SO SO SOOO relieved to find this out. She's got her own issues, knows how to separate them from her issues with "our" son, and is very upfront and honest. I throughly enjoyed my chat with her, and I am SOOOO grateful that my son has lucked out in this SM lotto and gotten a good one:) I'll even gladly conceed the role of "second mom" to her. :) She's exactly what I would have chosen for my son:)
So, that's two outta the three boys I don't have to worry about. My two youngest sons have WONDERFUL family situations in that the grownups all get along, are mature, and genuinely LOVE the kids, including the steps on both sides.
Poor George. His stepmom... she's a NIGHTMARE. How DOOOO these men NOT notice how casually cruel these new women can be to their children? I mean hell, George's SB (StepBitch) has been nasty to him since they got together. He was FIVE and a truly adorable and precocious little boy. She hated him because he represented that there was another woman there first. Talk about INSECURE and NASTY! How DO you pick on a CHILD like that? This biotch even told him Santa wasn't coming for him one year. He's 15 now and STILL traumatized by this woman. She's just pure hate and evil and I RARELY say that about anyone!
Anyway, back to how lucky my OTHER boys are:) Even Ron, who's father left us for the woman he's with now, L, when Ron was 3 weeks old, is a lucky little boy. His father and I put in two years of work, hard times, good times, hills and valleys to become the best friends we are now. We both put aside the anger, frustration, betrayal issues and hurt feelings, to make sure that Ron is the important part of the equation. Now, his father and my fiance get along GREAT and I'm finally making progress with my baby's future stepmom. Because of those efforts, my baby is SO secure that he fears nothing, he KNOWS he is loved beyond belief. He's so smart, and so advanced, and I HAVE to credit the world he lives in, and the absolute security he has.

My question to those of you, male and female, step and bio, that are STILL out there, angry, vindictive, vengeful... what does that BRING you? Does it bring you ANYTHING? Wanna know what it brings your child(ren)? It brings them insecurity, indecision, confusion, and a feeling of being unloved. Your children need you to step up and be the ADULTS you contracted to be for them when you brought them into this world. They DESERVE the respect, honor and care that they would get if you were still together. They NEED that security of knowing they are free to love each parent and their partners (if applicable) without LOSING the love of the other parent. NO child should EVER fear losing their parents love because they love the other parent. That is just BEYOND wrong. It's truly time for parents to STEP UP, in this society of collapsing family structures, and put their CHILDREN first. We blame so many things for the failings of our children today, but I can tell you... WE have failed our children. When we tell our five year old daughter, "Your daddy is too BUSY with the new Bitch to see you this weekend" You do NOT hurt Dad OR the new woman. YOU HURT YOUR CHILD. When a man tell his son, "You are MINE, NOT his!" He doesn't HURT the new guy.. He tells his son that love is limited, and therefore, cannot be shared with anyone. It's a HORRIBLE lesson we are teaching our children now days. We are teaching them that love is a commodity, and that it will run out eventually. That is the cruelest possible thing we can teach our children.. because they are taught to fear losing the ONE true birthright any of us have... the love and devotion and protection of our parents.

I can't save him this time..

2008-08-06T23:22:00.000-07:00

Hmmm, maybe I should crawl back under a rock! I come to write tonight, and here's what I find on one of my blogs:
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1 Post, last published on Aug 4, 2008

This blog has been locked and unpublished due to possible Blogger Terms of Service violations. You may not publish new posts until your blog is reviewed and unlocked.

This blog will be deleted within 20 days unless you request a review.

Request Unlock Review
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Needless to say, I did request a review, and I was informed that somehow my blog triggered some "spam monitor". Weird.
Anyway, I'm just seriously frustrated tonight. :(
My 15 year old is my child with my first husband. The one that I left because he had NO self-control... but he WAS a nice guy. We actually stayed friends when we split for about a year. Then.. came "HER". "HER" is my son's StepMom. You know.. the one like out of Cinderella? Yeah, one of them. She hates my son, she's hated my son since her involvement with my ex started. She's said evil things, done evil things.. the sad part... my ex totally believes her. :(
You see, my son "George" is a wonderful kid. I mean the kind of teenager most of us wish for. He's super considerate of others, the kind that literally will give you the shirt off his back. He's amazing with animals, and just a wonderfully kind and gentle soul in all.
His father however, whom we shall refer to as "Jack" for some not so obvious reasons, is a self-centered, opinionated, self-righteous prig. It's sad. He used to be a really nice guy. I don't hate him despite everything he's done to me. He's harrassed me beyond belief.. he's called police to my home for not answering the phone, he's called CPS on me, even called Animal control out to check shots on my dogs. :( Yeah, he's a punk. So onto the issue we are having nowdays. :(
He took me to court back in 2005, when I screwed up big time and rather than busting his bad behavior out to the courts (and paying a fortune to do it), I didn't put my son on an airplane. It was a nightmare. He was accusing me of beating our son, of lying, etc. I got SO lucky that we had a mediator that really DID see through the lies. I was SO lucky. The court gave me custody (again) on a temporary order. They wanted a full "Evaluation" that my ex didn't want to pay for.. so, it's stayed there.
George got home from this year's traumatic trip, and he's seriously upset. He's told me he doesn't want to be there.. but he's afraid to tell his father. Somehow that doesn't stun me. He told me, "Mom, if I say something you don't want to hear, you still love me anyway. If I said it to Dad, he'd tell me that I was an A$$, or I was pathetic or something else." He's scared that if he tells his father how he REALLY feels.. his father won't love him anymore. It's really hard to bite my tongue and NOT tell him, that if he really loved him, he wouldn't BE in this situation. George only wants to go back to Jack's to see his little brother, B. B is 10 now, and he's the "stepford" child. They force him to do MASSIVE amounts of homework, more than what the school requires. He has no fun unless George is there. So... my baby feels like he's doing good by going there. But he's really unhappy.
Tonight, Jack called. Screeching in George's ear, about how he's going to call him everyday, and how he'll be calling him again in 2 days. Yeah, I dont think so. Try a week. Like the court docs say. He's just freaking obnoxious.
I know... you are asking yourself, WHY does she NOT just step up and say something???? Well, ever tried to argue with a TRULY ignorant person? Yeah? Exactly what I can't bring myself to do. He's so firmly rooted in his little fantasy land that I feel like banging my head against a wall brings more enlightenment... even if it's just because eventually I'd see stars. :(
I want to help George have a GOOD relationship with his father. I don't hate the man, I don't care enough about him for that. I don't even hate his evil, poisonous wife.. though I have PLENTY of reason to. They just don't matter that much in my world. I just feel SO sorry for my son to have this father, that's insistent on putting G in the middle of this mess. He's convinced that his father will hurt him.. yes, hurt him, if he tells him how he REALLY feels. I'm trying so hard to get him to a point where he has the ability to step up and Say hey, THIS is what's going on. I just don't know that he'll ever get there.
I want to know why they can nail a child abuser when they leave a bruise, but what about when it's not physical? When it's The deep down emotional brusing that never leaves you? How do I put this child back together again when reality strikes and he HAS no choice but to stand up to him? I love this child.. I'd die for him.. but I can't protect him from this.. :(

Who's to blame?

2008-08-04T15:53:00.000-07:00

Yep, I'm on a writing streak.. and if you are reading it,well, it's on you.

I was out shopping yesterday, and I heard a comment made by a woman about another woman, and it made me cringe. And yet, this comment, is one of those things that it's socially acceptable to be prejudiced and biased about.. She said..
"Check out the welfare mom." It was not said for MY hearing, however, it was said loud enough for me to overhear. I wanted to turn around and slap her upside the head. Has she NOT heard of Karma? Yes, I'm spelling it with a capital. Karma is and always will be, an entity of it's own. I know not if it is a he or she, but it's a definite entity. It lurks around corners waiting for us to pass judgment on someone, just waiting to level it's axe on our unsuspecting heads.
Perhaps I am a little more biased than others on this particular topic. I WAS a welfare mom. I was trying to raise 2 little boys with no help from one father, and almost no help from the other. I wanted to go to college to provide them with a better life, and therefore, I had to use the system. I did. I have 70+ units of college under my belt now, and many accolades including, National Dean's Honors List. I did it, and I did it well. Just like anyone else, I used my food stamp card to buy the makings for many a dinner, lunch, and occasionally, a batch of cookies. (Mine taste better and are cheaper than the store ones.)
Because of that, I am VERY VERY agitated by people who like to pass judgment on that. Ok.. I'm agitated by passing judgment, period. But this particular thing, well it really sets my blood to boiling. Because the simple simple fact is.. no one knows when THEY may find themselves in that SAME situation. And no one knows the situation that got a welfare mother to where she's at today, and no one knows where she will go in ten years.
But what we ALL should know, is that she did NOT get herself pregnant. It's impossible for there to be a pregnancy that did not require some degree of man. And while it may be a remote chance that she used a fertility clinic, it's going to be a VERY small number of women that did that, in a huge welfare system. So, let's just assume, for the majority, that a man was required. If she's recieving child support... she's not getting it. Any child support recieved while on cash aid is sent to the welfare agency, with only a 50$ payment going to the mother. (yes, it's fact, check it out.) So, she's still only living on a small amount. She's NOT driving a mercedes. The women that defraud welfare are still VERY much in the minority. And if she's NOT getting child support you ask? Well.. why isn't she? is what should be the question. Instead of bashing her for using whatever methods she needs to to raise and feed her children, why not ask.. where's dad and WHY is he NOT contributing?
Allow me to supply some answers that I KNOW fit at least some of the men in this situation. He's moved to Texas, land of "Send me your deadbeats" where a worker in the Office Of the Attorney General, will tell you.. "We support the interest of the state of Texas and it's occupants" when you try to have a review done since your ex is making about 30k more now. Or he lives in CA, which used to be one of the hardest states on deadbeats.. and he won't get a job, and because they don't want to "violate" his rights, they allow him to keep rescheduling his appearance. Or, he's self employed, and despite the rigorous laws that cover privacy, the court STILL expects MOM to prove that he's making half a mill a year. They can't be bothered to go find the financial information, in spite of the fact that she has no right to obtain it and they do. Or, possibly, you live in the state of CA and the "new and improved" child support system has broken. And you now are owed in excess of 3000$ in arrears, and they tell you, "Don't worry, we'll get it out of his tax return.. next year." Yes, next year. But that's okay, I'm sure my landlord will accept an IOU till oh.. September of 2009. Or again.. here in the state of CA.. you've asked REPEATEDLY to get a court date.. and finally got one.. never mind the many many months it took, the nasty attitudes you recieved on the phone calls, the lack of information given to you in your OWN case. It's okay. Visa accepts IOU's.. right?
We live in a society that bitches about the welfare system, but does not do anything that fixes it, they only continue to make things harder on the women and children using it. (Yes, I know their are men too, and I feel for them, but I'm speaking in general terms.) Our government doesn't make FEDERAL standards for child support, which would allow it to be collected more easily across state lines, instead of the year long wait it takes to prove paternity and establish a case if he's left the state. They don't make realistic punishments like "Here's a job working in our hard labor camp, we'll pay you minimum wage, and after your food, clothes and shelter, everything left will go to pay for your kids." or "Hey, there's some troops over in Iraq, that ARE supporting their children and would like to see them, so we are going to send YOU over to get YOUR ass shot off since you don't want to get a job, so they can come home." I bet the deadbeats would think a few thousand more times about getting a job and keeping it if they were really convinced there would be consequences for NOT paying.
Instead the system continues to screw the women using it. Don't tell them they can go to college instead of working in McDonalds... god forbid they might actually get an education and use it to change the system. Don't tell them the other programs they qualify for that could help them. Just pass judgement and paperwork and keep things as bad as they are. Maybe, just maybe, they can get a job in the state of CA, making minimum wage with all the OTHER state employees till the budget passes.. oh wait.. they've placed a hiring freeze on one of the few sectors where you CAN get a job without a college degree that pays a somewhat living wage.. or paid rather. But that's a whole nother soap box...

Supercalafragilisticexpealidocious

2008-08-04T15:08:00.000-07:00

Do I know if it's spelled right??? Nope:) Do I care... strangely, yeah, I do.
In this world of spell check, and lower academic achievements, I stick out like a sore thumb. My texts are spelled just like that.. text.. not txt. If it causes a little red squiggly line to show up under it, it's NOT a word. Now, I do occasionally use slang, bad grammar or other calculated things, for emphasis. But, that little red line... it bugs me. Yep. Bugs. Irritates. Annoys. Think 2 year old screaming in a store, and whatever word comes to mind, insert there. It plagues me that so many people now days cannot be bothered to hit the spell check button. I'm not a world class spelling champ.. (Ok, I actually was, many years ago, and yes, my children suffer for it), but really, is it THAT hard to learn how to spell the words we text everyday on our phones?
Yes, I know BBL means Be Back Later, and LOL means laughing out loud. I myself use both of those when in a hurry, or writing because these days, LOL is actually the only acceptable way to say it. If I were to type "Laughing out loud" I would no doubt get some laughs of my own! So, I do succumb to some of those pressures. However, when a college paper gets turned in, looking like a anagram festival, we have issues in society.
Growing up, we had a "word a day" system in my house. A new word, everyday, to be used in sentences as often as possible, and to be spelled on command. My mother, an excellent speller, and generally adept in english, points out.. it was because she reads. Hmm... so do I. As does my best friend, Jenna, who's english is always exemplary. As does my oldest son, who can spell quite well, though cannot write due to a motor skills problem. So.... is the answer that our children aren't reading anything longer than "Press Start" anymore? That's the likely culprit in MY eyes.. and it makes me wonder, why don't they? Again, I only have to look as far as my own home for this one. I read, George (my eldest son, and NO it's not his real name) reads, my baby, Ron (again.. no real monikers) loves to be read to.... however, my middle son, Fred, (still no real names, folks) HATES to read. WHY??? Did I not read enough to him as an infant?? I know I did. He loved to read at 4, when it consisted of ME reading to HIM... but he loved it. Sadly, I know not the error I've made in his reading trail. I still endeavor to find it though. I firmly believe reading reduces the likelyhood of raising a total miscreant. Hmm.. taking a look at Ginny.. one of the girls in our family who professes to love reading and yet never seems to actually do it... well, maybe she's not a total miscreant.. yet.
I applaude J.K. Rowling for creating books that lured a new generation into the joys of reading. (I don't like her personality, or her stance on many other things, but that's a message for another blog.) Harry opened up worlds that kids really wanted to explore, and I know for my own oldest child, linked him into a world where a new destination is very easy to reach.
Do literacy programs help? Is it truly a matter of exposure? I devoured a book a day for many many years, so I don't think it's a lack of exposure. Is it genetic? Fred's bio father and I both love to read.. so no.. don't think it's that.
Hmmm.. maybe.. just maybe, it's another way of annoying the hell out of his loving and doting mother?
Yeah.. that sounds more likely..

These Crazy Days

2008-08-04T12:28:00.000-07:00

Well, my life is insane.. lol. Which is natural to a certain extent when you are raising one teenager, one pre-teen, and a toddler. Throw in 3 cats, a mother, a husband-to-be, one stepdaughter, 2 obnoxiously insecure and poisonous ex's and the myriad of things that can go wrong with any one of those mixtures above, and insanity takes on a whole new meaning! lol
Between our ex's, da Man and I are reminded FREQUENTLY of why we are choosing each other, rather than another carbon copy of our ex's. Thankfully, we both have learned from our mistakes, and therefore, we make our relationship what we want it to be. :) He's my best friend, soulmate, confidante, and all around partner. He's a phenomenal stepdad, my boys all adore him, even when they are in trouble, my girlfriends all think the world of him, and my family loves him too:) I'm a very very lucky woman at this point of my life:)
I also have some of the BEST girlfriends a woman could or would, ever ask for. Jenna, you are amazing when it comes to me needing a shoulder, or even just a swift kick in the ass:) You remind me of why friends can be so much MORE of family, than family itself. You ARE my soul sista! :) I also have Peggy, and Tauri, who are always there. I'm very lucky in this respect too, though they let me know they consider themselves lucky as well. :) I just figure, if you want to HAVE wonderful friends, you have to BE a wonderful friend:)
My kids... oh... the chaos. Also the love, the support, the laughs and the warmth. My boys are AMAZING young men that I constantly get compliments about, from TOTAL strangers! Even the baby is well behaved most of the time, and ALL use their manners. Amazing how so few parents care enough about their children anymore to force them to use manners and common courtesy. I wish people would worry more about parenting and less about being "buddies". My kids have buddies, but I am NOT one of them. Anyway, they are fantastic kids, super helpful and loving, and I could not have asked for more wonderful boys;)
So.. all the chaos, it just doesn't matter so much in the case of my life, it's worth it. It's worth the 4 loads of laundry that needs to get done today, and the dinner I'll be starting at 1pm.. so it's ready at 6. It's worth the doctor appts, scrapes and bruises, and the crying fits when we try to take the toddler through the car wash. All those things are nothing compared to "I love you, Mom, you are my best friend" from my 15 year old.. or "Mommy I miss you" from my pre-teen, away from home for the first time.. or the "Mommy, I give you KISSES!" from my toddler, who knows just how to cheer me up...
I'm truly a very lucky woman:)